It’s Called Cruise Control Asshole!!!!
Good (insert your time of day here) everyone,
Today I was going to write about an entirely different subject but something happened to me on my drive to work this morning that almost ended my life so miraculously that has become today’s musing.
Sure, I’m kind of an impatient asshole when it comes to other people being on my planet let alone on my roadways so I may have overreacted but nevertheless here’s the story, I’ll let you be the judge.
I think I have an average to above average level of road rage when it comes to the incompetent human race but if there is one thing that makes me absolutely irate is a driver I call the “Highway Head Giver” I call them this because they’re constantly bobbing up and down, up and down, up and down on the highway with their fucking speed. I mean… how fucking hard is it for you to apply the same amount of pressure with your little retarded footsie on that little pedal so you stay at your desired speed?!? I don’t even give a shit if you’re going slow as hell, at least it’s consistent I’ll just pass you and it will all be over,…..nooooo not with the “Highway Head Giver” Those assholes you have to deal and re-deal with for an extended period of time usually and that tends to aggravate the piss out of me.
Don’t get me wrong….. I love road head. Especially when it happens to me. But not when it’s happening to the highway with your vehicle!
Ok, even the average “Highway Head Giver”, (from here on out will be known as the HHG), is usually somewhat tolerable even though they piss me off more than normal idiots because they usually only operate within a ten to fifteen mile an hour speed range variance but its usually not an unsolvable problem. When this occurs my normal procedure is usually as follows…
Step 1. The HHG slows down and I get aggravated and pass them while calling them (insert expletive here) and then get back in the middle lane like a courteous driver as usual to let others pass me.
Step 2. I then find that the HHG all of a sudden learned to use the gas pedal again and is now creeping up on my left side. This happens just moments before I want to pass some other slow asshole I just got behind in the middle lane and now I am totally screwed by the HHG, again!!!. And of course the HHG takes forever to pass and gets by me paiiiiiiinfully slow so I have to wait an inordinate amount of time before I can pass the idiot in the middle lane and then pass the HHG on the left and get behind the HHG once again.
Step 3. I then think of all the ways I want to kill the HHG in front of me because they again forgot how to use the gas pedal and are now preventing me from passing them and slowing me back down to the same speed as was with the asshole in front of me in the middle lane that I just passed. At this point when I’m behind the HHG I wish this is what they see from me in the side view mirror rather than my WARDINATORmobile.
Step 4. The HHG either slows down and gets over or does some other erratic slowing speeding combination until I find a clear path around, I then fly by them at ridiculous speeds while almost jumping into the passenger seat to give them a very emphatic double fuck you finger sign.
Step 5. I drive ridiculously and dangerously fast to put a big enough cushion between me and the HHG so I never have to deal with them again. Remember, they usually only speed up and slow down with about a 15 or so mph variance so my worries are usually over.
Well not this morning…..
This morning I encountered the worst HHG I’ve ever seen. They had at least a 40 mph difference between their stupidity speeds so even after I drove at almost 95 for a good 5 minutes to get away from them and prevent a senseless road rage killing on my part……NO SHIT!!!!! Here was the stupid fucker coming right up beside me again!!
Well this was clearly a case that deserved a bigger insult than a double fuck you finger sign. So as I was behind the HHG slowing down to a ridiculous speed again I was swerving all over the road reaching into my back seat to find a piece of paper. I then proceeded to almost take out several families of 4 with my swerving as I largely scribbled on a piece a paper a sentimental note to display to my new found friend which was.
This was the actual sign I took the time to scribble, yeah….it wasn’t easy.
Now of course just the sign wasn’t enough to do justice, I had to emphatically also give a proper finger to them as I had the window down calling them complete fucktards and requesting in a nice polite way that they extract their cranium from their rectal cavity. And wouldn’t you know it…..it was a fucking woman….., surprise, surprise.
Well in the midst of all this I didn’t realize that I was about to crash into an 18 wheeler in front of me so I had to slam on the brakes, do a three lane swerve of traffic to make my exit all the while almost killing myself and others just to get my point across and hit my exit…… It was totally worth it.
But in a nutshell that’s why some other incompetent asshole almost killed me this morning and why I hate the HHG’ers even more now. If they weren’t such assbags none of this would have happened and all the near deaths never would have occured.
So with my closing thought I guess I’ll just leave this pic for women drivers…. stick to making babies and doing the cleaning and wash will ya? the roads will be a safer place. Oh, and learn to use the fucking cruise control.
And if you haven’t told a friend about my site, please do so, I want to see how many people I can get reading my shit. If you don’t then go fuck yourself. Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode about how I might tell you about how I lay in a puddle of my own sick in the gutter because I’m going to one of my best friends wedding this weekend.
You stay classy you bunch of assbags.
WARDINATOR
