The Wardinator

Hello all,

I have had a few fans that are a bit upset with me that I haven’t posted anything in a while.  Well I apologize……… I apologize that I have a fucking life and don’t live in front of my computer masturbating and writing in this fucking blog.  Just hold your horses, I’ll get to it when I get to it.  I did find it flattering that a couple people did tell me that they were ashamed to say it but reading my garbage is their guilty pleasure that they hated to admit.  But seriously, If I don’t write, it’s because I’m out living my life and not behind this computer.  I’m out getting more stories to write about for your amusement so you can read them while you’re taking a shit.

So since I haven’t written anything in a while I’ll write a few articles tonight.  I have the time because I am in Alabama at a skydiving event and well there isn’t much to do in Alabama if you’re not skydiving other than masturbating in front of my computer and writing in this fucking blog.

Before I get to that I think I’ll show a picture of one of my favorite shirts.

I like this pic because it’s true.  Obama is a complete piece of shit that hasn’t done anything and I can’t wait to see him go.  I also left the tshirthell.com on there because I love that company.  If you want a laugh go here and check them out.

I know that had nothing to do with anything but who gives a shit, it’s my blog and I’ll do what I want.  Ok, now we’ll get to the topic.  I spend a lot of my life traveling for my job.  I can’t complain too much because I actually get paid to travel the world and skydive so it’s pretty cool but there is the downside to it…….traveling and airports.

I’m going to list some of the most maddening shit I encounter every single damn time I travel.

1.  I absolutely loathe the stupid fuckers that stand on moving sidewalks.  You know what?  Some of us aren’t complete fat lazy slobs and actually don’t mind walking even when the lazy fucking sidewalk is moving your fat ass along.  Or maybe, just maybe, we are in a hurry and we took the moving sidewalk to get through the piece of shit airport even faster so we can make our next flight.  I know, I know, it’s awully confusing as to what to do on a moving sidewalk but it is possible to figure it out.  Especially when that annoying bitch voice tells you every 3 seconds that you should stand to the right if you’re standing and walk to the left if you’re walking.  Now I know the world is full of incompetent fucks but IT’S NOT FUCKING ROCKET SCIENCE!!!  Move your fat cheeseburger ass to the right and park your blubber over there while I try to squeeze past that cellulite as I try to make my flight.

Here is an example of my worst nightmare.  You just know these idiots will block the whole damn thing all the way down.  I don’t give a shit if it’s a cutesy little kid with a cutesy little luggage thing, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!

Ok, this idiot below is doing a little better, at least he is standing to one side but that annoying bitch….remember her?  She says stand to the RIGHT.  Now I have to bob and weave like a Nascar driver to get around this old piece of shit.  Come on people, again…..it’s not ROCKET SCIENCE!

Just in case you idiots haven’t gotten it yet below is a picture of how the super tricky moving sidewalks work.  Notice he is walking….not standing and not blocking the damn sidewalk.  That’s how it’s done, add it to your little brains and help me keep my sanity please.

Ok, on to the next thing that drives me fucking crazy.  I can’t believe that airlines pay some moron to stand at the check-in kiosks with their sole purpose in life to see that there is no one standing at a kiosk and to then tell the next person in line that a kiosk is open.  Well no shit genius!!  It not only pisses me off that our ticket prices are certainly higher because they have to pay this moron to do this but also because the idiots in front of me will actually stand there and wait until that dipshit tells them to go to an open kiosk even if there are 10 of them sitting there unmanned.  Use some common sense people.  And how bad is it that the person getting paid to state this obvious fact has to go home to their children and tell them that they are basically a worthless human being with a worthless job of telling other worthless people the completely fucking obvious facts that they should be smart enough to pick up on themselves.  I’m actually surprised that there is even this job.  I mean, if I sunk that low I wouldn’t work there long because immediate suicide would inevitably be my sweet release.

If you see this…..just go to the fucking kiosk, you don’t have to wait for the soon to be suicidal idiot to point out the obvious fact that they’re open.

This next point doesnt really anger me but rather makes me sad.  It makes me sad that you’re in an airport and you see some of the hottest women on the planet and you know that they’re going somewhere else you’re not.  I think it’s God playing cruel jokes on me.  It’s like he says “Hey, that’s a pretty girl right there, maybe you should get her number….oh wait a minute, she’s going to fucking Italy and you’re going to Alabama……..Ha you dipshit.”  Yeah, God probably talks like that.

It makes me even sadder that they are never, ever, ever on my plane.  And if they are on my plane they are never, ever, ever, ever, sittting beside me.  Instead, I get the stinky muslim guy or the fat bitch that needs a seatbelt extender who’s spilling cheeto crumbs all over me the entire flight as my nextdoor neighbor…..fuck me.

This should be the girls that I get to sit next to…

But it seems that these inbreds are always my neighbors on the plane.

Another thing that drives me crazy are the fucking idiots that take 4 damn hours getting through security.  Have you never flown before people?  Ok, you know you can’t take metal through the metal detector.  I know this sounds kooky but you can’t.  You’re going to have to take your shoes off and put them in the tray.  You’re going to have to put all your shit in the tray before you can go through.  There is nothing more frustrating then some moron acting like it was a surprise party and that they have to do this and taking 4 hours to get through the damn checkpoint while I stand behind them wanting to strangle them.  And even better is watching an idiot go through the metal detector just to be turned back to take off his watch.  Then going through again to be turned back to take the shit out of his pockets.  This happens not once, not twice, but often three or four times…..are you kidding me!!!  Take the fucking metal out of your pockets moron.  And never, ever, ever get behind someone with children and especially a stroller.  There is no chance that those little morons or that stroller is making it past the super secure TSA checkpoint in under a half hour.  Avoid them completely.

Ok, I’ve bitched enough about what I hate about traveling let me end on what I find great joy in while traveling.  I like to fart on the airplane and just watch as it spreads.  The faces of the people when they catch that first whiff of recycled WARDINATOR flatulence is absolutely priceless.  It makes all the bad that happened to me seem to be ok.  Especially when I get to gag the moron that had to go through the metal detector 5 times while I stood and watched.  Thank god for little victories.

Now I’m not totally uncouth.  I give that fake look around with a disgusted look on my face as if I am appalled that someone had the audacity to fart on an airplane.  But all the while on the inside I am smiling a nice big smile……enjoy my ass juice you bastards.

So if you’re ever on a plane and you smell that sweet stench of feet, ass, and rotten garbage, I may be looking for the culprit…..but it was me.  Paybacks are a bitch motherfuckers.

WARDINATOR…….out

I learned today that I have a newfound respect for parents and what they have to go through.

Today my best friend and his soon to be wife had to go and get their marriage license so I decided I would watch their cute little baby girl for the jaw dropping period of one stinking hour.

I thought….man, this is going to be easy.  What can go wrong in an hour right?!  Wrong!!!!

Before I get started let me show you a picture of the cute little angel I was watching first.  This is her below.

It all started pretty easy at first.  I downed half a bottle of cough medicine with codeine to prepare myself for the journey ahead and was well underway to being a good uncle and friend.  Now mind you, I don’t like babies……  I don’t like people so I especially don’t like babies.   You can imagine that I’m not the best at holding them or actually taking care of them.  Remarkably though I do like this one that’s the only reason I agreed to do this.

Ok, so all is going well and she’s playing with toys and having a grand old time and nature called for Uncle WARDINATOR.  I thought, what’s a minute away from her, all should be fine……WRONG AGAIN ASSHOLE!

About 15 seconds into my pee she realized she was alone in the room and started crying.  She wasn’t just crying, she was PISSED!!!  I immediately pinched off my pee (which hurts like shit by the way) and came back out figuring she would settle down.  Oh no…..she proceeded to get even more pissed and the crying was non-stop.

Like I said, I’m not good at touching babies but in this case I was forced to.  I tried to hold her….nothing.  I tried playing with toys with her……nothing.  I tried to play the cute little footsie and I got your toes game with her….nothing.

Needless to say this is fifteen minutes into this process and that is exactly when it hit me…how in God’s name do you parents do this shit?  I can barely manage to take care of myself, feed myself, and stop myself from being a beligerant crying mess half of the time let alone add someone else in the mix that can’t tell you they just shit themself.  (By the way, NO WAY IN HELL am I changing a diaper)

Speaking of shit, this brings me to my next point.  Well as my luck would have it of course after nights of drinking a serious case of the beer shits fell upon me.  I’m sure it’s Karma but nevertheless it happened.  I’m talking the kind of beershits that if you don’t get somewhere quickly then bad things are going to happen.  Don’t judge me, Everyone poops

What could I do?  If she turned into a raging pissed off machine after 15 seconds without me there how in the hell was I going to go and sit on the shitter for 10 minutes.  Wasn’t gonna happen.  I sure as hell wasn’t going to take this little baby into the shitter with me.  Because A.  That’s just weird.  And B.  I have toilet anxiety.

So here I am, sweating profusely from the pain, doubled over squeezing my cheeks while trying to sing head and shoulders knees and toes.  All the while texting my friend,  WHEN THE HELL ARE YOU GETTING HOME, I HAVE TO POOP!!!!  It was definitely a sight to see.

Well then I found my saving grace which I will never ridicule ever again.  The Backyardigans.  Holy shitballs thank god for the backyardigans.  They happened to come on the T.V. and all of a sudden the crying stopped and cute little baby was now glued to the T.V.

I watched in pain making sure that it wasn’t going to be a passing fad of interest and sure enough…..she was glued to it.  She never took her eyes off of it for a minute.

Did I mention that I thank God for the Backyardigans and will NEVER ridicule kids shows again?  Good.

So I thought this was my chance to make  a break for it.  I did the legs crossed, I have to poop dance walk as I quickly got back to the bathroom  and kept my ear out for any crying.  Luckily for me there wasn’t a peep so I knew I was safe.  Actually when I came back out this was the sight I saw and just how enthralled she was at those damn heavenly Backyardigans.

Luckily for me the rest of the babysitting experience was uneventful.  But I tell you what…… I have so much for respect for you parents that do this day in and day out.

I just thank god for two things.  1.  I don’t have any of my own that I know of so I never have to do this.  And 2.  She waited until Mom and Dad pulled in to take a big load in her pants.  I think she was just taunting me…..Damn baby!

Remember, if you like my stories, refer a friend to subscribe to the email feed, it’s free and it’s mindless humor, should be right up your alley.

The entire world is on facebook as am I.  I, like everyone else say I love to use it to connect with old friends.  It’s true, I do use it to connect with old friends but I have a couple other uses for it that I’m sure the rest of you do too.  One use involves the selfish, sexist, pig in me by using it to get random chicks in bed which has worked quite well by the way.  It used to be from myspace to myplace but now it seems to be facebook is the place to find the easy ones.  Just ask your mom.

The other use has brought me so much joy to my adult life I just have to write about it.  I look at all the girls that I didn’t get to nail in high school that were just the hottest things going and seeing now just how much they have let themselves go eases the pain of never getting them back in the day.

I mean, I have spent years dialing up those girls in the old mental rolodex while in the shower.  Sure there was temporary happiness as I dialed them up and took out my frustrations on them but then there was a sense of depression knowing that the carnal encounter was only in my mind.

But now…..the depression of never having them is completely gone and I have removed them from my mental rolodex completely.  The vast majority of the girls that were so ridiculously hot are sweaty beheamoth pigs now and I can’t tell you how it eases the pain of never getting to be with them.

The best ones are the ones that only show pictures of their children.  Sure, they’re proud of their children I bet, but I bet the biggest reason is that they’re so mortified of how much of a beast they have become they wouldn’t dare share their ghastly image with the rest of the planet.  You have to search and search to find an actual photo of THEM and when you do….Holy Mary Mother of God, what the fuck happened to them?  I actually had sex with them in my mind….eccccch?!?!

So for this reason and this reason alone Facebook has single handedly taken away years of agony and pain brought on from getting shot down in high school.  And to now have them tell me how good I look and how they always wanted me back then is just icing on the cake, especially when I matter of factly tell them that there is a better chance of me getting friendly with the goat over yonder in the pasture then rolling them in flower to try to find the wet spot.  It’s sweet revenge and sweet Irony and I thank you facebook.

For you others out there that are using this new miracle social networking site to meet and chat with random strangers, don’t forget you never know who you’re really talking to so be careful out there.

Ok, I’m tired and going to bed.  I don’t know how much I’ll be able to post the next couple days because I have a big skydiving event in Deland this weekend but I’ll try to get more of my thoughts out for those of you that enjoy my side of things.  If you enjoy reading my shit then please refer a friend to subscribe to see a different and lighter side of life.  Cmon, don’t be an assbag, just do it already.