The Wardinator

Yes, I am about 8-14 beers into the evening but I’m going to blog anyway so go fuck yourself. This should be interesting. I’m safe back in my hotel room after a day of fun jumping with the folks from Skydive Alabalma. Sure, they’re a little backwoods but they’re good people and it was good fun. The one thing that impressed me most is how they stock their beer fridge. They don’t fuck around in Alabama, look at this fridge. I seriously almost teared up when I saw it.

Now that is some impressive shit.  Anyway, that was my day today.  Tomorrow more of the same, drinking, jumping, etc…. not necessarily in that order.

But that’s not what I am going to blog about tonight.  Tonight I am going to blog about a story that happened to me a few years ago.  This story will humanize me a bit because I know that most of you look up to me like a god.  I know I’m ridiculously good looking, charming, good at whatever I do, and just all around awesome so I am sure a lot of you look at me as more than human, almost god-like.  But I want to tell you a humorous story that will humanize me a little bit more and maybe you can relate a little better with me as your average every day Joe (who is ridiculously awesome).  Now just a warning, this is about human feces and diahrheea and it’s pretty disgusting so if you have a weak stomach then make your vagina stop reading now.

Ok, it all happened a few years ago when I was dating a girl that I eventually ended up dating for like 5 years.  Now at this time I wasn’t dating her for more than like a month.  You know, that time when you won’t fart in front of them and heaven forbid you let them know that you actually poop.  Well it was after a night of heavy drinking (surprise, surprise) and I had a fierce case of the beer shits.

Well when I get the beer shits there is no warning, I go from completely fine to I am about to shit my pants in about 3 seconds.  When they hit, it’s time to go, no matter where the fuck I am.  I get the shit sweats and it’s on.  If I don’t find somewhere soon it’s going to get ugly.

Well we were driving to her parents house and we were in the middle of fucking nowhere driving up north.  Then all of a sudden…..HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD!!!!  They hit.  I started to sweat and the stomach started grumbling and I knew I had about 5 minutes to find someplace to drop this load.  Well I couldn’t let her know I had to poop because we just started dating so even though I was sweating like a whore in church and looked like someone just took a machete to my stomach I still tried to hide the fact that I was about to blow up a shitter somewhere.

So my mission was to find somewhere to do my business.  But as I said before, I was in the middle of the sticks with nowhere in sight to stop to do my business.  I told her that I had to pee so I stopped on the side of the road by an overpass.  Well by the time that I actually stopped I was about to shit my pants so when I got out of the car I had to do the old “leg cross” technique to prevent from shitting myself right there on the spot.

So there I am, on the side of the road with my legs crossed.  Now imagine having your legs crossed and your butt cheeks clinched so tight you could make a diamond out of a lump of coal with just your ass and then imagine trying to run a race with your legs completely crossed while standing, not an easy feat.  Yeah, I know it’s a pretty funny visual but that’s what I was facing.  I looked around and there was a little bridge that ran over the highway and I thought if I could just get to that little creek area under the bridge I could totally do my business without her ever knowing I didn’t do anything other than take a piss.  The only catch was that it was about a 15 foot hill to the bottom of it to get to the hidden little area that had it’s own little creek.

I figured I would inch my way down the hill, legs crossed and all just a step at a time.  I made it about the first 5 feet doing this legs crossed sort of awkward I have to poop walk and then I lost my footing.  Oh yeah……, I fell and started to roll down the hill.  Well while rolling down this hill the legs became uncrossed and the beer shits started to fly.  Not only was I shitting my pants, I was rolling down the hill and making sure I shit every single part of my body on the “agony of defeat” roll down this hill.

I finally come to rest and get to the bottom and it was pretty disgusting.   There wasn’t a part of me that didn’t have miller lite in the next day liquid feces form covering my body.  I proceeded to strip down naked and wash myself in the creek.  I had to use the clean part of my pants to wash myself off so they were a lost cause.  Well my pants were completely dookie covered and ruined so they definitely weren’t going with me back to the car.  I washed myself up as best as possible but then I had to walk back up to the car……pretty much completely naked other than a shirt.

Now of course I thought this was hilarious but I had my doubts how funny it would be to the girl that I had been dating less than a month and afraid to fart in front of. When I walked back up into traffic and jumped into the car with all my junk for the world to see I was scrambling to come up with some form of lyingese which I have mastered by the way to cover the story.

Well you know me, I said fuck it.  Walked back up to the car completely bottomless with my junk swinging in the wind.  I jumped in the car, looked her dead in the eyes and told her, I think it’s time we take this thing to the next level, what are your thoughts on road head?

As you can imagine, this didn’t go over so well and I had to come clean to the fact that I just spent the last 5 minutes rolling down the hill and rolling around in my own beer shits.  I then proceeded to drive the remaining 3 hours completely naked from the waist down to meet her parents for the first time.  Yeah, good times.  I guess it might be a little funnier in my mind than it is in this story but I just felt I had to share a funny story of my past.

I had to share because now you can all realize that I am not actually a god (yes I am) but I am actually human that does stupid shit like this and I do get myself in embarrassing situations just like the rest of you.

That’s about it, I’m a little hammered so I’ll just end it there I hope you got a chuckle with the visuals.  Hopefully I won’t read this tomorrow sober and realize how un-entertaing it actually is.  But you know what, if you don’t like it………I COULD GIVE A FUCK LESS.  At least I wrote something for you to read tomorrow when you have your own beer shits and have nothing else better to do than read my toilet stories.

WARDINATOR…….out.  Passsed out.