Hello all,
I have had a few fans that are a bit upset with me that I haven’t posted anything in a while. Well I apologize……… I apologize that I have a fucking life and don’t live in front of my computer masturbating and writing in this fucking blog. Just hold your horses, I’ll get to it when I get to it. I did find it flattering that a couple people did tell me that they were ashamed to say it but reading my garbage is their guilty pleasure that they hated to admit. But seriously, If I don’t write, it’s because I’m out living my life and not behind this computer. I’m out getting more stories to write about for your amusement so you can read them while you’re taking a shit.
So since I haven’t written anything in a while I’ll write a few articles tonight. I have the time because I am in Alabama at a skydiving event and well there isn’t much to do in Alabama if you’re not skydiving other than masturbating in front of my computer and writing in this fucking blog.
Before I get to that I think I’ll show a picture of one of my favorite shirts.
I like this pic because it’s true. Obama is a complete piece of shit that hasn’t done anything and I can’t wait to see him go. I also left the tshirthell.com on there because I love that company. If you want a laugh go here and check them out.
I know that had nothing to do with anything but who gives a shit, it’s my blog and I’ll do what I want. Ok, now we’ll get to the topic. I spend a lot of my life traveling for my job. I can’t complain too much because I actually get paid to travel the world and skydive so it’s pretty cool but there is the downside to it…….traveling and airports.
I’m going to list some of the most maddening shit I encounter every single damn time I travel.
1. I absolutely loathe the stupid fuckers that stand on moving sidewalks. You know what? Some of us aren’t complete fat lazy slobs and actually don’t mind walking even when the lazy fucking sidewalk is moving your fat ass along. Or maybe, just maybe, we are in a hurry and we took the moving sidewalk to get through the piece of shit airport even faster so we can make our next flight. I know, I know, it’s awully confusing as to what to do on a moving sidewalk but it is possible to figure it out. Especially when that annoying bitch voice tells you every 3 seconds that you should stand to the right if you’re standing and walk to the left if you’re walking. Now I know the world is full of incompetent fucks but IT’S NOT FUCKING ROCKET SCIENCE!!! Move your fat cheeseburger ass to the right and park your blubber over there while I try to squeeze past that cellulite as I try to make my flight.
Here is an example of my worst nightmare. You just know these idiots will block the whole damn thing all the way down. I don’t give a shit if it’s a cutesy little kid with a cutesy little luggage thing, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!
Ok, this idiot below is doing a little better, at least he is standing to one side but that annoying bitch….remember her? She says stand to the RIGHT. Now I have to bob and weave like a Nascar driver to get around this old piece of shit. Come on people, again…..it’s not ROCKET SCIENCE!
Just in case you idiots haven’t gotten it yet below is a picture of how the super tricky moving sidewalks work. Notice he is walking….not standing and not blocking the damn sidewalk. That’s how it’s done, add it to your little brains and help me keep my sanity please.
Ok, on to the next thing that drives me fucking crazy. I can’t believe that airlines pay some moron to stand at the check-in kiosks with their sole purpose in life to see that there is no one standing at a kiosk and to then tell the next person in line that a kiosk is open. Well no shit genius!! It not only pisses me off that our ticket prices are certainly higher because they have to pay this moron to do this but also because the idiots in front of me will actually stand there and wait until that dipshit tells them to go to an open kiosk even if there are 10 of them sitting there unmanned. Use some common sense people. And how bad is it that the person getting paid to state this obvious fact has to go home to their children and tell them that they are basically a worthless human being with a worthless job of telling other worthless people the completely fucking obvious facts that they should be smart enough to pick up on themselves. I’m actually surprised that there is even this job. I mean, if I sunk that low I wouldn’t work there long because immediate suicide would inevitably be my sweet release.
If you see this…..just go to the fucking kiosk, you don’t have to wait for the soon to be suicidal idiot to point out the obvious fact that they’re open.
This next point doesnt really anger me but rather makes me sad. It makes me sad that you’re in an airport and you see some of the hottest women on the planet and you know that they’re going somewhere else you’re not. I think it’s God playing cruel jokes on me. It’s like he says “Hey, that’s a pretty girl right there, maybe you should get her number….oh wait a minute, she’s going to fucking Italy and you’re going to Alabama……..Ha you dipshit.” Yeah, God probably talks like that.
It makes me even sadder that they are never, ever, ever on my plane. And if they are on my plane they are never, ever, ever, ever, sittting beside me. Instead, I get the stinky muslim guy or the fat bitch that needs a seatbelt extender who’s spilling cheeto crumbs all over me the entire flight as my nextdoor neighbor…..fuck me.
This should be the girls that I get to sit next to…
But it seems that these inbreds are always my neighbors on the plane.
Another thing that drives me crazy are the fucking idiots that take 4 damn hours getting through security. Have you never flown before people? Ok, you know you can’t take metal through the metal detector. I know this sounds kooky but you can’t. You’re going to have to take your shoes off and put them in the tray. You’re going to have to put all your shit in the tray before you can go through. There is nothing more frustrating then some moron acting like it was a surprise party and that they have to do this and taking 4 hours to get through the damn checkpoint while I stand behind them wanting to strangle them. And even better is watching an idiot go through the metal detector just to be turned back to take off his watch. Then going through again to be turned back to take the shit out of his pockets. This happens not once, not twice, but often three or four times…..are you kidding me!!! Take the fucking metal out of your pockets moron. And never, ever, ever get behind someone with children and especially a stroller. There is no chance that those little morons or that stroller is making it past the super secure TSA checkpoint in under a half hour. Avoid them completely.
Ok, I’ve bitched enough about what I hate about traveling let me end on what I find great joy in while traveling. I like to fart on the airplane and just watch as it spreads. The faces of the people when they catch that first whiff of recycled WARDINATOR flatulence is absolutely priceless. It makes all the bad that happened to me seem to be ok. Especially when I get to gag the moron that had to go through the metal detector 5 times while I stood and watched. Thank god for little victories.
Now I’m not totally uncouth. I give that fake look around with a disgusted look on my face as if I am appalled that someone had the audacity to fart on an airplane. But all the while on the inside I am smiling a nice big smile……enjoy my ass juice you bastards.
So if you’re ever on a plane and you smell that sweet stench of feet, ass, and rotten garbage, I may be looking for the culprit…..but it was me. Paybacks are a bitch motherfuckers.
WARDINATOR…….out
Also, after drinking mass amounts of this beer we decided to soak a roll of toilet paper in Jet A turbine fuel and play what they like to call flaming hacky sack. Yeah, I singed off the hair on my eyebrows, arms, and legs, but it was a good time. Here are a couple pics of it.
And just for good measure I’m going to throw in one of my favorite motivational posters because I fucking feel like it.
Now I’ll post a couple of videos from some of our jumps there. This video is of a tracking dive. It’s where everyone flies like a bird towards one person that is tracking away. I decided to track on my back to get good video of everyone. This jump ended with what they call a swoop and chug. You try to land as close to the beer as possible and your time starts when you hit the ground and it ends when you finish chugging the beer. Well as you’ll hear in the second video, I did a little too much swoop and overshot the mark so I cut away my canopy and came back to drink the beer. I still won…..of course. And they made me drink a fucking tallboy. So the videos will be in two parts. The first part is the tracking dive and the second part is of the end of the jump and the swoop and chug. Oh, and if you’ll look closely you’ll see that I nailed my head on the wing of the plane on exit, that wasn’t ideal. Good thing I’m invincible. Oh, and I’ll throw in another one of my fucking with a dude under canopy. Click view the vide0 to see the videos.
