Archive for March, 2010

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Mar 11 2010

Why Facebook is making my high school years easier.

The entire world is on facebook as am I.  I, like everyone else say I love to use it to connect with old friends.  It’s true, I do use it to connect with old friends but I have a couple other uses for it that I’m sure the rest of you do too.  One use involves the selfish, sexist, pig in me by using it to get random chicks in bed which has worked quite well by the way.  It used to be from myspace to myplace but now it seems to be facebook is the place to find the easy ones.  Just ask your mom.

The other use has brought me so much joy to my adult life I just have to write about it.  I look at all the girls that I didn’t get to nail in high school that were just the hottest things going and seeing now just how much they have let themselves go eases the pain of never getting them back in the day.

I mean, I have spent years dialing up those girls in the old mental rolodex while in the shower.  Sure there was temporary happiness as I dialed them up and took out my frustrations on them but then there was a sense of depression knowing that the carnal encounter was only in my mind.

But now…..the depression of never having them is completely gone and I have removed them from my mental rolodex completely.  The vast majority of the girls that were so ridiculously hot are sweaty beheamoth pigs now and I can’t tell you how it eases the pain of never getting to be with them.

The best ones are the ones that only show pictures of their children.  Sure, they’re proud of their children I bet, but I bet the biggest reason is that they’re so mortified of how much of a beast they have become they wouldn’t dare share their ghastly image with the rest of the planet.  You have to search and search to find an actual photo of THEM and when you do….Holy Mary Mother of God, what the fuck happened to them?  I actually had sex with them in my mind….eccccch?!?!

So for this reason and this reason alone Facebook has single handedly taken away years of agony and pain brought on from getting shot down in high school.  And to now have them tell me how good I look and how they always wanted me back then is just icing on the cake, especially when I matter of factly tell them that there is a better chance of me getting friendly with the goat over yonder in the pasture then rolling them in flower to try to find the wet spot.  It’s sweet revenge and sweet Irony and I thank you facebook.

For you others out there that are using this new miracle social networking site to meet and chat with random strangers, don’t forget you never know who you’re really talking to so be careful out there.

Ok, I’m tired and going to bed.  I don’t know how much I’ll be able to post the next couple days because I have a big skydiving event in Deland this weekend but I’ll try to get more of my thoughts out for those of you that enjoy my side of things.  If you enjoy reading my shit then please refer a friend to subscribe to see a different and lighter side of life.  Cmon, don’t be an assbag, just do it already.


Posted in Day to Day thoughts, General | 2 Comments »

Mar 11 2010

Video: Humiliation

This is a video of my roommate and my neighbor paying respect to the WARDINATOR after challenging me to a game of Cranium.  As you can imagine, Cranium is a game that involves using your mental capacity.  How damn stupid can you be to challenge me to a game of wits?!  Not only am I better looking than the general public I am definitely smarter than the majority of the planet.  Well here was their humiliting payment.  Notice that I am pretty easy on them as I am not one to boast or be a sore winner.

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Mar 11 2010

Video: Skydiving Video

Just a skydiving video for my skydiving fans.  This is me swooping the pond at Raeford.

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Mar 11 2010

Gallery: Random Skydiving Pics

Some random Skydiving Pics, some taken for work, some for fun.  Click view gallery to see the entire gallery and click on the thumbnail to see a full size pic.

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Mar 08 2010

The Olive Debauchle

This blog and incident that happened to me today will forever be known as the Olive Debauchle.

The incompetence of the average every day idiot never ceases to amaze or infuriate me.  Every single damn day I go to a certain eating establishment, one that will remain unnamed. 

Well I went in there again today and ordered the same damn thing I order every single day.  It’s a sick little lunch ritual that I go through daily.  So much so that the workers there know exactly what I want without saying a word.  Well today I had some new fucktard that I actually had to verbalize my order to….can you believe it!

Ok, so my ritual is this.  I order a chicken salad, double the meat.  I tell them I’m only getting 3 vegetables so I really want them piled on high and you can’t put too much of them on there.  I ask for tomatoes, sliced.  (because those damn plastic sporks cant cut for shit)  Then I ask for heavy olives, ridiculously heavy onions, and a handful of jalapeno peppers.  That’s it.  Is that so damn hard?

So I go about ordering with this idiot and get to the part where I ask for the tomatoes to be sliced.  He promptly let out a painful sigh.  Like he has anything better to do with his mindless time as a subway employee then to cut my tomatoes and make my order the way I want it.  I let this one slide without making too much of a scene.  But after I realized he grabbed 3 measly slices of tomatoes I knew the battle had begun.  I told him that I only get a few veggies so I want them piled high so I asked for more.  Of course he looked at me like it was coming out of his check and grabbed one more damn slice.  Of course, me not being one to give in I said “more”  this went on probably 4 more times with this asshole grabbing one tomato at a time.  The fight was definitely on.  Needless to say, I won.

When I was satisfied with my tomato content we moved on to the heavy olives.  Did I mention “HEAVY OLIVES?”  This prick grabs 5 sliced olives.  I swear to god!!!  5 sliced olives!  Of course the more, sigh, more, sigh, more, sigh game continued for I swear to god 7-10 minutes.  Each time this idiot grabbed two to three more olives.  Even in his ridiculous idiocy he had to know that I was going to keep going and he should have just grabbed a damn handful of the precious little olives and put them on but noooooooo.  If it would have been me I would have dumped the whole fucking bucket on there just to be a smartass but he really thought he was going to win this fight.  Obviously he didn’t know who he was dealing with.  He finally gave his last act of defiance by saying ‘You know we’ll have to charge you for this.”  I told him I would pay the price of 5 fucking salads, I just wanted what the hell I wanted.

The onion portion went somewhat smoother but by this time what has usually taken me 5 minutes tops is getting close to 15 minutes and the people behind me are getting pissed….like I give a shit.

When we go to check out he makes sure to tell the cashier to charge me for extra olives.  I ask the cashier how much extra olives are and he tells me ten cents….. Can you belive that?  Ten fucking cents!!!!  I then threw an extra two bucks down and yelled to the rest of the people in line who surely hated me by now that if any of them wanted extra olives it was on me.  WTF!!!

Seriously folks, I know that your life is so pathetic and meaningless and you’d rather kill yourself than be serving a prick like me olives on my unimportant salad but my unimportant salad is probably more important than anything you’ve done in your entire meaningless life so just make my damn salad like I want it!  It’s not coming out of your check you 8th grade educated fuck!!!!

So I guess what I’m saying is either fuck Subway!!!!! or at least fuck that particular moron.

And yes, I went back the next day just looking to pick a fight with that moron.  Of course he saw me coming a mile away and conveniently took his break.  I guess maybe he’s not as dumb as I thought.

If you haven’t subscribed yet or referred me to a friend, what are you waiting for?  This is the kind of shit you’ll get every day.


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Mar 08 2010

Brutal Honesty

A good friend of mine. The MELSINORE as shown here….

Thought I should conduct an experiment. An experiment so out there and so off the wall that it just might work. It’s called…..being honest with women. I know, it sounds pretty far fetched but I decided to give it a shot. See, the MELSINORE is one of the few people on this planet I like and respect and if she thinks it’s a good idea it just might be.

So here is the story of one of my first attempts at brutal honesty. There was this chick that was begging me to go and have a drink with her. I kept putting her off because I just wasn’t feeling it really and I thought she was kind of a good girl and it wouldn’t end up where I wanted it to. I made up the myriad of excuses to not go have a drink with her but one night she was exceptionally persistent. All the while I am making excuses I’m thinking in my head. “Ok, if you go out with her you won’t have one drink, you’ll have ten drinks. After the ten drinks you’ll get horny and want some ass. After you decide you want some ass you’ll then start lying to her and make her fall in love with you or make her think you actually like her and that you might actually talk to her the following day. Then you’ll just be hung over and have to actively avoid this girl for a week or more until she gets the hint.” Not worth it I thought.

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks….let’s try the experiment. So I did just that, I told her just like I had been thinking it. I said look, “Here’s the map of the evening if I go and have a drink with you. I’m not going to have one drink I’m going to have ten drinks because that’s how I roll. After those ten drinks I’m going to get horny and then want to have sex with you. That’s normally where the lying would come in. I would lie to you to get you to like me and sleep with me and then I’ll most likely rock your world for one night and one night only. No offense, I just don’t watch movies more than once. After that I’ll avoid you for a week until you realize I really had little more interest than a one night stand with you. I’m telling you this in an attempt to avoid the whole middle part and get right to the good stuff. I’ll understand if you want to call off the drink.”

Either way I win right? Well much to my surprise she paused for a minute and then said….”I can live with that.” What a total score!!! So the night pretty much went as I described. I thought the part where I had to avoid her wouldn’t happen since I told her I was going to but it did anyway. Maybe she thought I was kidding, maybe she liked the badboy in me, hell I don’t know…. I haven’t talked to her since but it sure saved me a lot of lying and time that night.

So I guess the experiment was a partial success, thanks MELSINORE. Oh, and she was a freak by the way, I guess the whole good girl stereotype was way off. I guess the moral of the story is you can’t judge a book by it’s cover….that’s as good of a moral as any I guess.


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Posted in Day to Day thoughts, Sexual Escapades | 3 Comments »

Mar 07 2010

My first blog and what im about

Hello All,

This is my first official blog post so here we go.

I’m 34 years old and I have to admit, I think i’m pretty fucked up. I also use pretty offensive language most of the time so if you don’t like that sort of thing then move along, you’re not going to like my writings.

I generally don’t like people and think I’m actually somewhat of an angry person when it comes to the human race. I mean, most of you are complete fucking morons and my tolerance for you is generally pretty low.

You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Look at the pic.

It’s not that I dislike everyone it’s just that I think I am better looking, smarter, and generally better than almost everyone on the planet. I don’t have too many people that I like but for some reason it seems there are a lot of people that like me. For some reason, people like assholes, thats good for me.
My intent with my blog is to entertain and just give people a good laugh with my different perspective on every day life events. I plan to eventually write a book detailing how I actually became the man I am today. Maybe it will be a how to “not raise your children” But for now I am going to just use this as an avenue to put my daily thoughts down in print as there just isn’t room for them in my head.

I hope you enjoy what I have to say and my perspective on things. If you don’t, I probably don’t give a shit anyway but if you do, please tell a friend to subscribe to read about what I go through on a day to day basis.

I also love hatemail so if you think I’m a complete prick and want to tell me so then email me at ward@thewardinator.com and maybe I’ll make fun of you in one of my blogs with your pathetic attempts to belittle me.

Or you can just leave a comment on my posts and I might make it a point to write about your specific stupidity.  Come on….Don’t be afraid.


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