The Wardinator

I learned today that I have a newfound respect for parents and what they have to go through.

Today my best friend and his soon to be wife had to go and get their marriage license so I decided I would watch their cute little baby girl for the jaw dropping period of one stinking hour.

I thought….man, this is going to be easy.  What can go wrong in an hour right?!  Wrong!!!!

Before I get started let me show you a picture of the cute little angel I was watching first.  This is her below.

It all started pretty easy at first.  I downed half a bottle of cough medicine with codeine to prepare myself for the journey ahead and was well underway to being a good uncle and friend.  Now mind you, I don’t like babies……  I don’t like people so I especially don’t like babies.   You can imagine that I’m not the best at holding them or actually taking care of them.  Remarkably though I do like this one that’s the only reason I agreed to do this.

Ok, so all is going well and she’s playing with toys and having a grand old time and nature called for Uncle WARDINATOR.  I thought, what’s a minute away from her, all should be fine……WRONG AGAIN ASSHOLE!

About 15 seconds into my pee she realized she was alone in the room and started crying.  She wasn’t just crying, she was PISSED!!!  I immediately pinched off my pee (which hurts like shit by the way) and came back out figuring she would settle down.  Oh no…..she proceeded to get even more pissed and the crying was non-stop.

Like I said, I’m not good at touching babies but in this case I was forced to.  I tried to hold her….nothing.  I tried playing with toys with her……nothing.  I tried to play the cute little footsie and I got your toes game with her….nothing.

Needless to say this is fifteen minutes into this process and that is exactly when it hit me…how in God’s name do you parents do this shit?  I can barely manage to take care of myself, feed myself, and stop myself from being a beligerant crying mess half of the time let alone add someone else in the mix that can’t tell you they just shit themself.  (By the way, NO WAY IN HELL am I changing a diaper)

Speaking of shit, this brings me to my next point.  Well as my luck would have it of course after nights of drinking a serious case of the beer shits fell upon me.  I’m sure it’s Karma but nevertheless it happened.  I’m talking the kind of beershits that if you don’t get somewhere quickly then bad things are going to happen.  Don’t judge me, Everyone poops

What could I do?  If she turned into a raging pissed off machine after 15 seconds without me there how in the hell was I going to go and sit on the shitter for 10 minutes.  Wasn’t gonna happen.  I sure as hell wasn’t going to take this little baby into the shitter with me.  Because A.  That’s just weird.  And B.  I have toilet anxiety.

So here I am, sweating profusely from the pain, doubled over squeezing my cheeks while trying to sing head and shoulders knees and toes.  All the while texting my friend,  WHEN THE HELL ARE YOU GETTING HOME, I HAVE TO POOP!!!!  It was definitely a sight to see.

Well then I found my saving grace which I will never ridicule ever again.  The Backyardigans.  Holy shitballs thank god for the backyardigans.  They happened to come on the T.V. and all of a sudden the crying stopped and cute little baby was now glued to the T.V.

I watched in pain making sure that it wasn’t going to be a passing fad of interest and sure enough…..she was glued to it.  She never took her eyes off of it for a minute.

Did I mention that I thank God for the Backyardigans and will NEVER ridicule kids shows again?  Good.

So I thought this was my chance to make  a break for it.  I did the legs crossed, I have to poop dance walk as I quickly got back to the bathroom  and kept my ear out for any crying.  Luckily for me there wasn’t a peep so I knew I was safe.  Actually when I came back out this was the sight I saw and just how enthralled she was at those damn heavenly Backyardigans.

Luckily for me the rest of the babysitting experience was uneventful.  But I tell you what…… I have so much for respect for you parents that do this day in and day out.

I just thank god for two things.  1.  I don’t have any of my own that I know of so I never have to do this.  And 2.  She waited until Mom and Dad pulled in to take a big load in her pants.  I think she was just taunting me…..Damn baby!

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